“Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.” – Marie Curie
Although I completely understand that we all see things differently, if I can get you to think seriously about the choices you are constantly making, then I believe your own intelligence will allow you to see the value within this post.
But before I get to talk about the hidden fear of every married man, I want to quickly share a story that will help you understand the ramifications of this matter.
Two boys decided to compete against each other. They have been friends for years and this continuos battle had reached a turning point. They looked for ways to prove who was better than the other one. They agreed to race across this long lake and finally show everyone who was better.
They both jumped into the lake at the same time, but one of the boys was determine to swim his heart out until the end. He didn’t quite follow any strategy, or anything that any one else had suggested. His plan was to keep going and going until he got what he felt would define his worth.
When he finally reached the other side of the lake he was so exhausted he could hardly breath. He felt sick to his stomach and dizzy enough that he immediately collapsed onto the shore. After catching his breath, he thought about his friend. He got up and desperately looked back into the lake. He couldn’t help but feel concerned for his friend’s life, when he couldn’t see him anywhere in the water. Then as he followed his eyes back to the other side of the lake from where they had started, he saw a glimpse of his friend standing there.
When they both reunited, he asked his friend what had happened. The other friend told him that half way in the race he was taken by the fear of not being able to make it all the way. His friend quickly responded, “Why not go forward, you were half way there? His friend lowered his head and said, “I know, I know”. A few minutes went by in complete silence and then he finally asked, “How does it feel to win?”
His friend lowered his head and said, “It’s nothing like I thought it would be. The idea that we both put everything on the line, including our lives and our friendship, just to prove to every body else who was better than the other one, now makes me sick.”
For many years I have been paying attention to the relationship between the choices I made daily and the quality of my experiences. In another words… When I can be rigorously honest with myself, can I honestly say that I am living the life I truly desire and doing the things I am here to do?
I also want to let you know that these insights are not only from my own experiences, but from clients and personal relationships as well. The results are very similar. Regardless, most people say that they want certain things in their lives, but their actions and the choices they make, conscious or unconscious, are not congruent with what they are saying. For the most part, I believe that what they want is very simple, but how they go about it, complicates their lives and those around them.
Let me just give you a few examples for the benefit of clarity. Some married men come to me for coaching services and they say that they don’t like having to do anything they don’t want to do. They blame their wives, their business or all they are responsible for. They have had some success in certain aspects of their lives, but something is not allowing to feel the satisfaction and fulfillment they had expected. Once we start working together, it turns out their lives are full of commitments and routines that have very little, or anything to do with their role as husband and fathers.
Other successful married men say to me that there is nothing more important to them than their marriage and children. They make a point to let me know that everything they do is for their families. But they complain of too much stress, not enough joy and little appreciation from their families. And when we dig deeper into the cause of all that stuff, the amount of connection and quality time they spend with their family daily is less than a few hours, if even that.
So the question is…why these successful and intelligent married men will be making the choices they make?
It’s simple to me now. The mind is constantly feeding them with the Fear of not doing the great job they believe will prove their self worth. Like in the short story, either boy was NOT driven by the desire to unleash their own potential, but by the fear of not being the best! Some quit like one of the boys, others go about it without ever knowing the impact fear has in their marriages and lives.
Without getting into religion or beliefs about the Source of Creation, when I look around all I see is Life Energy expressing itself through everything. And whether or not I completely understand how it all works, I know deep inside that I am ONE with the Life flowing through me. So no matter what I am doing, I notice when I bring Conscious Awareness into everything I do, things have a way of always falling into place. It is this awareness that has allowed me to love myself more and feel more confident and secure about the things that I am here to do. From this CONGRUENCY, my self worth is not based on what the world or my unconscious mind tells me, but what I feel to be true withIN.
As a married man with children, I have to constantly develop the ability to bring this awareness into everything I do and what we do as a family. I can’t just allow my mind to take over my life and the decisions I make without making sure every family member’s best interest is included.
I am more giving, loving, peaceful, patience, forgiving, enthusiastic and appreciative of everything in and around me, and therefore the quality of my experiences in the day to day life have significantly improved. I feel like a new person. I focus on what brings more life to everyone and I only participate in things that support the thriving of our family, all humanity, animals and nature. I truly believe since FEAR no longer runs my life, the choices I make moment by moment, have created the level of simplicity that I always craved.
The truth is that most people, including married men, don’t pay attention to what they think, say or do, because they are so used to it, it has become normal. Consequently the motive they live their lives, it’s HIDDEN FEAR. And many of them are in such denial about it, that even if you bring this to their attention, it seems as though you are talking a foreign language to them. These are successful, intelligent individuals using their mental faculties against themselves and don’t even know it.
The Secret to Higher Living is Simplicity and Order is the First Law in the Universe. My suggestion is that before you continue with your life the way it is, you make your life simple by re-evaluating your priorities and consciously decide if they are congruent with what you say is important to you and your family.
I also would like to tell you that having someone like me help you develop the awareness required to use all this understanding to transform your life, doesn’t hurt your self worth. It’s actually the other way around. You will feel way more capable because you will be able to say what you mean, and mean what you say, whether others approve what you are doing or not!
Unleash your potential,
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P.P.S. Original image used for creating the post graphic was uploaded to Google image by http://mkandcompanyinteriordesign.wordpress.com/